"In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, to understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him." - Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card

"I will remember this, when I am defeated. To keep dignity, and give honor where it's due, so that defeat is not a disgrace. And I hope I don't have to do it often." Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card

"On the scale of 1 to crazy, I'm a penguin."

"I've never seen my sister this happy, Ian. [face suddenly turns serious] If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident." - My Big Fat Greek Wedding

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"1. Social Life
2. Good Grades
3. Adequate Sleep
(pick 2 and welcome to college)

"I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence because of something that happened yesterday."

"What if everyone else is weird and I'm the one that's normal."

"Good morning... I see the assassins have failed."

"Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck."

"It's okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either."

"Satan sucks; tell everyone."

"So my friend texted me saying "What does 'idk' mean?" So I said, 'I don't know' and she said, 'Oh my gosh, no one knows!'."

"Procrastinators: The leaders of tomorrow!"

"Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people."

"She wanted to give God credit for every good thing, but when it was bad, then she didn't mention God or she had some reason why it was a good thing after all." - Ender's Shadow, Orson Scott Card

"I'm not dead yet!" - Monty Python

"Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: Well, I got better!"
- Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail

"Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door."

"I can't help it if I'm really, really ridiculously good looking." - Zoolander

"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elder berries!" - Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." - George Carlin

"Three words, eight letters, say it and I'm yours." - Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl

"Musicals: Because who doesn't want to live in a world where everyone randomly breaks out into song and dance?"

"As people grow up they realize it becomes less important to have more friends, and even more important to have real ones." - Lauren Conrad

"I purposefully create awkward moments because I think it's funny."

"It takes a certain skill to trip over a flat surface."

"Sometimes, when people look at you they think - 'do not give this person anything sharper than a crayon'."

"I love how we tell the same stories 487 times, yet we still find them hilarious."

"Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on it's behalf. Survival first, then happiness as we can manage it." - Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card

"I cannot be held accountable for injuries which may occur if you tickle me."

"I may be going to hell, but you're riding shot gun."

"All I want is just one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off." - Sue Sylvester, Glee

"Life is too short to wear ugly shoes."

"Please stop reassuring me of how respectful you are whenever you're about to tell me that I'm an idiot." -Ender's Shadow, Orson Scott Card

"You worry too much, Terri! Mom smoked every day when she was pregnant and we turned out perfectly normal!" - Glee

"To know that you know what you know and that you don't know what you don't know, that is true knowledge." - Confucius

"Charlie got smashed in a friendly old bar,
Then left and got mashed in his shiny new car."

"Psychotic: One who believes two and two is five whereas a neurotic knows two and two is four, but it makes him nervous."

"Common sense isn't so common." - Voltaire

"Gross Ignorance: 12 dozen Sophomores."

"If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella."

"Kangaroo: Nature's first effort to produce a cheerleader."

"Nothing is enough for the man whom enough is too little." - Epicurus

"His mind is open; yes it is so open that nothing is restrained, ideas simply pass through him." - Francis H. Bradley

"He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who will not is a slave." - Andrew Carnegie

"Amusement: The happiness of those who cannot think."

"Profanity: The effort of a feeble mind to express itself forcibly."

"If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are upside down."

"Little Willie was a chemist, little Willie is no more; what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4."

"Never step on anything soft."

"Never eat prunes when you're hungry."

"The alternative to getting old is depressing."

"A person without problems is dead." - George Allen

"Those who don't know, don't know they don't know."

"Some are wise and some are other-wise." - Tobias Smollett

"Being ignorant is not so much a shame as being unwilling to learn." - Benjamin Franklin

"There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." - Luke 13:28

"Old chemists never die, they just fail to react."

"Kindergarten Teacher: Someone who can make the little things count."

"Little things affect little minds." - Benjamin Disraeli

"I wonder where mothers learn all the things they tell their daughters not to do."

"Hospital: A place where people who are run down, wind up."

"Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks preparing the dish." - Bernice Fitz-Gibbon

"Marriage is better than leprosy, it's easier to get rid of it." - W.C. Fields

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." - Albert Pike

"You cannot have everything, where would you put it?" - Steven Wright

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." - Gore Vidal

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100%" - K.D. Laing

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce

"I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a women, especially if she gives him those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of non-rediness." - Dave Barry

"I like children - fried." - W.C. Fields

"We live in an age when pizza gets to our home before the police." - Jeff Marder

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs then there'd be no place to put it at all." - Robert Orben

"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." - Germaine Green

"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Walter Winchell

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with other people's idiocy." - Bill Watterson

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, which you cannot see with the naked eye, unless you have been drinking." - Dave Barry

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving." - Steven Wright

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." - Eric Morecumbs

"I installed a skyline in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious." - Steven Wright

"Now they show how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a bloodstained t-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfeld

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"If your parents never had children, chances are you wouldn't either." - Dick Cavett

"Some mornings it's justs not worth chewing through the leather straps." - Emo Philips

"If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." -Robin Williams

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." - Marty Feldman

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." - George Burns

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" - Paul Merton

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is." - Ellen DeGeneres

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"If it weren't for electricity we'd be watching TV by candlelight." - Milton Berle

"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer." - Milton Berle

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?" - Roseanne Barr

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the elementary. You can't do any business from there." - Colonel Sanders

"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that." - Ellen DeGeneres