Opening Up: Flirting and Loving Myself

So... this is gonna be a different type of blog post for me.

As I've state before, I'm not much of an open person. I'm never sure when it's appropriate in a conversation to share something or when to talk, so I'm just a listener. However, it's hard to do that in a one sided conversation (such as a blog post).

I'm not sure why opening up is such a hard thing for me, it probably has something to do with an irrational fear of giving away a part of myself only to have it forgotten, ignored, or returned as if it were nothing... which, when written out like that, doesn't seem so irrational.

But it is constantly making my life WAY more difficult than it needs to be. Wanna know what aspect of my life it ruins the most?... Yep, relationships.

Now, of course, it effects all my relationships. But the ones it dampens the most are the relationships of a romantic variety. Meaning, I don't really have any at all.

Sure, I've had the occasional casual flings, but it's been 5 years since I've had any semblance of a real relationship. And even that wasn't very functional. I'll like people, but they never seem to like me back... not that I do much to make them aware of my feelings.

For years I thought it was because I don't have the ideal body type... sometimes I still think this is the case... but if that were the only problem I feel like I'd still have more game than I do now. Which is none.

For example, there's this guy, Jase (Yep, names have been changed. I'm not that open!). I have a serious crush on this kid. And admitting this isn't usually something I do, but I need to let it out!

He's pretty much my opposite in every social aspect (i.e. super outgoing, friendly, funny, willing to be vulnerable, can get along with anyone, etc) and he's smart and funny and cute. And I like him. And I feel like I'm super obvious with my feelings all the time... but apparently I'm not. Why?

Because I can't flirt. Not if my life depended on it. And why wouldn't I be able to flirt? Isn't flirting something that every girl is born able to do? (nope). Because I'm not able to let go and just open up, just a little. I'm not willing to be vulnerable or fun or really myself, because I'm constantly worried that he'll see me. That he'll realize all the things that I really am. Which is pathetic. But true. I don't love myself, so why the hell would he love me?

... Got depressing there for a moment, but I'm about to bring it back up. Promise.

My goal right now is self-talk. I need to stop believing that there is something wrong with me because I'm not this girl, or that girl, that everyone is always comparing me too (including myself). I love so many things about myself, and I need to start accepting the things about myself that I don't. Because maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to feel more comfortable opening up to people if I love who I am and want everyone to see me.

I know that got a little tangenty but it's what I was thinking about while I couldn't sleep and I thought, "I can't be the only one who feels this way", so to all you who feel like you aren't enough, or feel like you could never love yourself, I get it. I understand. And if you need to talk or someone to cheer you up, let me know. I don't want to be alone with this, and I don't think anyone should be.

So, my imaginary friends who I can neither see, nor hear, I hope you all remember you aren't alone, and that you need to love yourself as much as your mom loves you. Or your best friend. Or your significant other. And if you feel like no one out there loves you, including yourself, I promise you that you're wrong. Super wrong. And I'm here to listen to your stories, your woes and your pains.

Sleep well imaginary friends. And may tomorrow be the brightest day so far!

Sincerely,

S.Lorenz