"You know if people just saw you and didn't take the time to get to know you they'd think you were special - like stop eating the paste special."

"Death: the #1 killer in America."

"I hate weddings, all the old people are always coming up, pinching your cheeks and saying "you're next", yeah, they stopped doing that when at all the funerals I went up to them, pinched they're cheeks and saying "you're next"!"

"Replacing someone's parachute with canned goods isn't funny... Okay, yeah it is."