"The only way to comprehend what mathematics mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." - Voltaire
"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did." - Jeff Foxworthy
"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'Flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately." - Mark Twain
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces." - Helen Fielding
"The key here, I think is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses." - Woody Allen
"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." - Mark Twain
"Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up'." - Daniel Tosh
"Beauty is an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused." - Edward Gibbon
"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night'." - Charles M Schulz
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." - Edgar Watson Howe
"Only your real friends tell you when your face is dirty." - Proverbs
"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job." - Laurence J Peter
"Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're going to meet them all coming down." - Jimmy Durante
"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my best friend, I hope that I should have the guts to betray my country." - E M Forster
"A causal stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." -Friedrich Nietzsche
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." - Quentin Crisp
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." - Mark Twain
"It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." - Oscar Wilde
"Catch a man a fish and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity." - Karl Marx
"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between there are the doors of perception." - Aldous Huxley
"No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone; any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech." - Langston Hughes
"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." - Rita Rudner
"People are always very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones." - Charles F Kettering
"I hate it in friends when they come too late to help."
"Live your life as though there is great joy to be experience, and abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you." - Meladee McCarty
"Fear is the mother of mortality." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt. short enough to rouse interest, but long enough to cover the essentials." - Ronald Knox
"I've never seen a purple cow
I hope I never see one.
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one." - Nursery Rhyme
"Caution, water on road during rain." - Real Life Sign
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it." - Michael Moncur
"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence that they will help us." - Epicurus
"The report of my death was an exaggeration." - Mark Twain
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
"I love you. But sometimes I forget. But then I remember." - Sierra Lorenz Loudon
"Things are only impossible til they're not." - Star Trek
"Hope doesn't come from calculating whether the good news is winning out over the bad. It's simply a choice to take action." - Anna Lappe
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." - Martin Mull
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope
"If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you."
"I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists." - Billy Bob Thornton
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Dale Carnegie
"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
"I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally." -W C Fields
"Women: Can't live with them and can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing." - Sean Williamson
"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add five years to the age of their best friend." - Marcel Achard
"All women are good - good for nothing or good for something." - Miguel de Cervantes
"It's much easier to turn a friendship into love than it is to turn love into friendship." - Proverb
"Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend." - Agatha Christie
"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job: It's a depression when you lose yours." - Harry S Truman
"A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry."
"You have a cough? Go home and eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be too afraid to cough." - Pearl Williams
"Cheese... milks way to becoming immortal." - Clifton Fadimore
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did, I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page, and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." - Patrick Moore
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen
"I found out there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty." - Imelda Marcos
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright
"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries." - Stephen King
"Go to heaven for the climate; hell for the company." - Mark Twain
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
"When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks." - Natalie Clifford Barney
"When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks." - Natalie Clifford Barney
"Freedom means the opportunity to be what we never though we would be." - Daniel J Boorstin
"Be obscure clearly." - E B White
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. We loved with a love that was more than love." - W Somerset Maugham
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." - Josh Billings
"We are the hero of our own story." - Mary McCarthy
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." - Henry Van Dyke
"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." - Jiddu Krishnamurti
"Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strive to be the other, and both together make up one whole." - Miguel de Cervantes
"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence." - David Byrne
"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved." - George Elliot
"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone." - Javan
"For it is not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland
"Hi, my name is Shelly and I like long walks and annoying people really bother me. - I'm Oliver and I like long walks with annoying people on a short pier." - House Bunny
"Nothing is miserable until you think it is so." - Boethius
"Can miles truly separate you from friends... if you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" - Richard Bach
"A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the year." - Rupert Brooke
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu
"A man content to go to heaven alone will never go to heaven." - Boethius
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." - Mark Twain
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is a soap-on-a-rope." - Bill Cosby
"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions." - Victor Hugo
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." - Robert Benchley
"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got." - Josh Billings
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." - George Burns
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." - Mae West
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." - Casey Stengel
"A word to the wise isn't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advise." - Bill Cosby
"Don't let your ego get too close to your position, so that if your position gets shot down, your ego doesn't go with it." - Colin Powell
"Business is a combination of war and sport." - Andrew Maurois
"And while the law of competition may be sometimes hard for the individual, it is best for the race, because it ensures the survival of the fittest in every department." - Andrew Carnegie
"The art of love is largely the art of persistence." - Albert Ellis
"What I like in a good author is not what he says but what he whispers." - Logan Pearsall Smith
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he'd not the man she married?" - Barbara Streisand
"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." - Doug Larson
